This is a Poem (Honestly)

This is a poem (honestly)
I’m writing on the go.
Won’t be my best, admittedly
But hey, what do you know?
There will be stanzas, metre too
(I’ll even make it rhyme!)
A classic poem, through and through,
Though made up line by line.

You could say though, what sillyness,

To write things on the fly,

It could cause problems, cause a mess

(Perhaps someone could die?!)

Unlikely though that words on sheets

Could physically arrest

More likely be some horsey meats

To block a flowing chest.

I seem to be digressing, quick,

Let’s get this back on track;

What topics shall I herein pick

To bring your interests back?

Perhaps the weather (no that’s dull)

Or maybe Songs of Praise?

(I hear that when the Christians lull,

They sing for fucking days!)

No that’s not fair, let’s not be rude,

A poem should be fun,

Let talk about the latest news,

Or who’s at number one?

It’s probably that Bieber thing,

He’s popular, that's true,

Though when I try to think of him

He seems more 'number two'...

Or what about the credit crunch,

(I hear you groan en masse)

Apparently it was a bunch

Of wankers that caused that?

Oh BANKERS, is that the business

That caused all this bad luck?

I would have taken more notice

If I gave half a fuck…

And there again, a vulgar quip,

My mother would so frown.

I’d say to her, ‘Oh mother dear

Turn that frown upside down!’

‘You made this mouth, my brain is yours

Just smaller, less refined.’

‘And whilst you give your thoughts a pause,

Get mine another wine.’

Oh alcohol, what a good shout,

An easy one to use.

I’d make a funny comment about

How much I abuse.

Of course my doctors would not kid

And haul me into line,

But drain my veins of their fluid

And BAM - another wine!

But really now, I should not joke,

Booze is a deadly sin

(Especially twelve rum and cokes

Then palate-cleansing gin!)
We should all drink responsibly,
And never more than two
But do not fret as thankfully
The measure's up to you!

Though some advice, from me to you,

I’ll charge you not a dime -

If you make me a rum and coke,

Please add a fucking lime.
Don't get me wrong, I love a drink,
That's splashed across the rocks,
But chuck a bit of fruit in *wink*
And I can sink the lot!

What else is there to muse away

That makes for pleasant chat?

We’re having such a lovely day

Let's try and not lose that!

Perhaps another random line,

That strikes you on the nose,

I will not warn you when it's time

But when it comes, you’ll know!

Oh lunacy, oh silly tricks

This poems’ gone awry

Let’s get it back to the basics

Before I make you cry.

I’ll rhyme a pretty flowers name

With some sugary snack.

I’ll talk of fluffy bunnies, blame

This naughtiness on crack.

Bit boring though, if I was to

Compare a summers day,

The poem may be very smooth

(But you’d think I was gay!)

So I will lock that secret chest

And tell you it’s not true,

I’m well up for a lesbo fest
(But chuck a man in too.)

See if this poem was all dressed

In flamboyance and flare,

No doubt you’d still be quite impressed

But bored beyond compare.

So just admit, vulgarity

Brings poetry alive

It may not make the BBC

But watch out Channel Five!

So why not stop and take a look

At other poems made,

A lot of pride in them I took

(And all of them unpaid!)

And if you have enjoyed this farce

Please share it as you choose,

And if you didn’t, kiss my arse,

Like you've a fucking clue!

But thank you for taking the time

To read my little prose

I hope you have enjoyed the highs

And pushed on through lows

For now I must depart this page

But leave you with a punt -

Recall that promised, shocking phrase?

Well here it is you *end*

Copyright © 2013 by Simon Austin